Wisdom in Relationships

A couple of months ago, I told you a story about many years ago, I was at a church where we were doing a big renovation and there were a team of us jackhammering.

Jackhammering literally all day and we'd been left to do the work of preparing the base of a kitchen, a big concrete slab, and so we were jackhammering away, and we were probably five, six hours into it, and the building project manager from our church came back and he said to a few of us that were jackhammering in this spot, gee, I thought you would have done more.

And we're like, wow, we've been working really hard.

And then John said, you did change the tool bit, didn't you?

And I'm like, I didn't think you changed the tool bit.

Of course you do.

It was blunt.

And it just reminds me of that classic story of working really hard with a blunt ax.

We all know it.

We need a sharp ax to work effectively and efficiently.

So when it comes to life, godly relationships are meant to keep us sharp.

They help us from living lives that are not effective for the kingdom, that are not efficient for the gospel.

So the classic verse on friendship and accountability, many of us know it, Proverbs 27 17, as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

The old translation used to be one man sharpens a man, or one brother sharpens another brother.

Relationships are designed by God to keep people sharper than they would be without the friendship, without the accountability.

So this week in Proverbs, we're sitting under the text of chapter 27 17, but also what Fifi read out to us as our main text, and looking at the importance of friendship.

So we're about 3,000 years ago, when we're reading the Proverbs, but we don't have to stay in the ancient text of the Old Testament to see what the Bible says that's so important about friendship.

You can zoom forward about 1,000 years and think about Jesus, can't you?

I can't help but think if anybody was legitimately qualified to be a holy loner, it would be Jesus, right?

We sometimes think Christians can do a holy huddle and do a little enclave where they stay away from the messy world.

If anyone could have done that for the sake of staying holy because they were just so perfect, Jesus could have done that.

He could have been the OG holy loner.

But what did he do?

He hung out with friends.

I just think that's just not a throwaway truth or idea.

That is profoundly impacting.

He had at least 70 people that he spent a lot of time with because he sent them out on mission in the gospels.

Of course, he had the 12 that he was on camping, three years camping trip with, just sharing intimately life, finding food, sharing around a fire, sleeping rough.

And then there were the three that seemed to be even closer, a close inner circle, Peter, James and John.

And then also, we're told that he had a special friendship with John.

So, certainly from the life of Jesus, friendship mattered.

And of course, it needs to matter to us.

So, Proverbs 27, 5 to 10, four points I'd like to unpack.

The reward of friendship, the risk of friendship, the aroma of friendship, the gift of friendship, the reward of friendship, better is open rebuke than hidden love.

Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

The Proverb teaches that love and kisses are all well and good, and of course, they are.

But very frequently, it will be better to receive truth in love from a friend.

Truth delivered in such a way that it might even wound us.

Better to have that than no truth at all.

Paul writing to the church in Ephesus was unpacking the role of leadership as designed by God for the church.

And the text should be on the screen.

I'll move through it quickly.

Christ himself, Paul writes, gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers for a role to equip the saints for service so that the church would become understanding in a place where they understand knowledge and the gospel, and they would become mature, no longer tossed back and forward by every wind of doctrine and truth, but instead speaking the truth in love, they would grow to become, in every respect, the mature body of him who is the head that is Christ.

The truth in love.

We grow best in an environment of truthful speech, shared in genuine love.

Have you been blessed by a brother or a sister?

Show of hands.

Who has spoken truth to you in love?

Lots, lots of people.

I was part of a church that had a few staff before coming here.

And so there was daily interaction with quite a large group of people, not to mention, I suppose, all sorts of people that weren't on staff but were in part of ministry leadership.

And I was asked to meet with two of my colleagues who wanted to share something with me.

And we had a chat and a bit of small talk, and then they said the truth in love difficult part.

They said, John, your sarcasm is a problem.

I was like, what do you see, Willis?

What, what, what, what?

And they said, yeah, no, your sarcasm is cutting people and it's no good for us as a team.

And that was really hard to take, but it was true.

I, I, I didn't realise the, the power of sarcasm when you're the team leader in particular, and I hope I'm a different team player now.

I'm sort of loathe to go to that place of sarcasm because the Lord spoke truth to me in love by people that I appreciated a long time ago.

Wounds from a friend can be trusted.

What a line of text.

Wounds from a friend can be trusted.

Nathan was a prophet, but he also acted as a friend to King David, didn't he?

When David had messed things up and he'd abused his power and had, had a relationship with Bathsheba and then ultimately had her husband killed Uriah, Nathan came to him and courageously spoke truth in love to David and said, you know, what you've done has been noticed by the Lord and, and you need to repent.

And he did.

The reward of friendship is that God can use people to speak truth to us into our lives in a way that I think even God finds hard to do without people in community around us.

Is that fair to say?

There's a role that he has designed for brothers and sisters to live in community because he uses our vocal cords that we talked about last week.

He uses us to speak words, to encourage and to challenge.

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

So let me ask you, who do you have in your life right now in this particular season who is close enough who could speak the truth to you in love?

Truth is the reward of friendship and it involves the risk.

The risk of friendship is vulnerability.

Verse 7, One who is full loads honey from the comb, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet.

Like a bird that flees its nest is anyone who flees from home.

So what on earth do these sentences from these Proverbs actually mean?

People are created for community.

There is a deep longing within us to be filled up like the person who doesn't need any more sweet honey from the honeycomb.

We are designed to be full, amen?

With vulnerable, deep, satisfying friendships.

In contrast, when we don't have that, that which we have been designed for, we can seek it in places that provide deformed friendship, deformed community that really can cause a whole lot of pain and suffering.

Again, can I ask you for a bit of interaction?

Who has experienced the pain of seeking community from the wrong people in your life?

Not too many, okay?

A few people.

I think it's certainly been true in my life, and it's what the text really is saying.

When you don't have that sense of fullness in community, there is an urge to flee the nest and find community far from home.

I think it's actually the story of the Prodigal Son.

I'm wary to not read too much into it, but one might imagine that he was lacking connection.

Certainly, he didn't get on with his brother like he may have, but he was happy to leave the family farm, wasn't he?

To head out on the open road and find his fulfillment somewhere else.

Have you heard of Jack Kerouac?

He is a poet, an American author, and he wrote the classic book, On the Road.

And that was a book that was part of a revolution in America about finding life to the full in untethered community, the open road, the freedom of the horizon.

Just to be free to go on an endless adventure for him, it was parties, and diminished responsibility.

The rebel without a cause.

And I think it's fair to say, it's still strongly represented as an idea in Western society, in Australia, that if you could just be untethered and find freedom in that picture of the open road, freedom in the casual, and as shocking as it might sound even in this room, the casual, intimate relationships, the casual sex, maybe even the casual church involvement, there would be freedom in that.

If I could just be free to pick, or come here for a bit, and there, that community for a bit, and I think it's a lie that we've been told.

I believe that the Bible teaches, and I know many of us would agree, true freedom is found in being tethered, amen, so that we know others and we are known.

So we serve others and we are served, so that we love others and we are loved, and we can celebrate others because we know them.

And we can actually be celebrated genuinely as well.

Attention, participation and place are three aspects of life which are really important for community.

Choosing to enter people's lives in community rather than constantly being distracted by the inane, by the frivolous, by, as Ben said a few weeks ago, the brain rot, the brain rot that robs us of attention.

There are three main screens that rob us of attention, the smart screen, the TV screen and the windshield.

Don't you think?

We get caught up in these little screens or the binging of the bigger screen, or we don't have to pay attention to community because we are isolated from others, from being in our cars so much of the time.

We need to think about attention to what's in front of us.

Maybe our kids, they need our attention.

Our marriage, our singleness, and the significant relationships of our singleness.

And attention leads to participation, becoming engaged personally in serving, in interacting with others, in the place God has placed you.

Attention, participation, place.

These are the building blocks to friendship.

There is often an inner voice that says run away from community, like the text says, the bird that flies the nest, restlessly looking for the perfect adventure that is somewhere else.

But friendship requires us to dig in to the risky business of being known, doesn't it?

Of vulnerable relationships.

Do you think society is doing this well?

It does not take long to look at a bookshop, go online.

The friendless Australian male is a thing.

But you could say, we've got a few South Africans in the room, I know, and Americans.

And pick your nationality.

I think the same is true across the world for men and women.

Friendlessness is an epidemic.

We are being affected in our health and our community and our longevity of life so deeply by lack of deep and meaningful friendships.

There are studies that we've talked about before that have shown this.

The risk is vulnerability.

Vulnerability.

So there's a reward, truth in love.

The risk is there, vulnerability.

And the text also talks about the aroma of friendship.

Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart.

And the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.

Do not forsake your friend or a friend of your family.

Do not go to your relative's house when disaster strikes you.

Better a neighbour nearby than a relative far away.

I think here the writer of Proverbs is digging into, leaning into, the power of place.

When you know people in your place of life, you can trust and rely on them.

And it's as powerful as having family, but they're close by.

This is what the text is telling us.

Perfume and incense are the aroma of friendship.

Great friends, they wrap around us, don't they?

Like the aroma, like the idea of smell.

They infuse their lives into us.

Smell is a unique sense, isn't it?

We're sort of surrounded by it, and then we get it inside of us, and it even sort of stains us a bit, like we get marked by a scent and community.

Godly community will do that to you.

Don't you think that's true?

I've heard people come to our church and say, there is a beautiful aroma.

I'm sure others haven't told me if it wasn't a beautiful aroma, but on the whole, many people have said there is a warmth, and it's an interesting idea when you think of aroma.

When I think of aroma, I'm taken immediately to the Alabasta jar, aren't you?

Mark 14, the woman sees Jesus, he's getting prepared and preparing himself for the cross, and he's at Simon's house, I think they're in Bethany, and the woman breaks maybe $100,000, a year's worth of wages, $100,000 worth of perfume, and pours it over him, and the house is filled with this aroma, and there's a cost that's been broken, and some in the room say, why this, what's the word?

Waste.

Why this waste?

In this situation, it's a waste because it's on Jesus, and Jesus says, don't be so quick to hassle her.

Everywhere the gospel is preached, this story will be told in memory of her, because the gospel is often seen as a waste, and an immense cost.

And I would put it to you that friendship can feel like that too.

It'll cost us.

I don't think there'd be a person in the room who has a fantastic friendship, who wouldn't say, there have been times where we've had to dig in.

Amen?

It's cost us.

There is a costly factor to the aroma of friendship.

Friendship asks us to buy in.

When I was at Bible College, I was in my early 20s, a guy that was a bit older than me, who was in my brother's year at school, we turned up and went, oh, we met each other.

Barely knew each other at school.

And this guy said to me a few weeks in, a really interesting comment.

He said, I like you, John.

I think I could make a good friendship with you.

Would you be my friend?

I'd like to be friends with you.

I'd like us to be good friends.

And I was like, okay, I'm taking it back by your forwardness.

But we became great mates, like just iron sharpening iron.

To our families as well, it was so wonderful.

So if you take nothing out of this message other than that, maybe have the guts to go up to someone and say, could I be your friend?

I'd like us to be friends.

Iron sharpening iron friends.

Ben put me on to this great book called Fighting Shadows by Jefferson Bethke.

And I really appreciate Ben doing this because it's an easy thing to do as a preacher, to hoard your illustrative material.

But thank you, Ben.

Ben goes, Dad, you gotta read this book, especially that chapter.

So I haven't read the whole book, but I've read this chapter because Ben read the whole book and I bought it.

Great friendship, Jefferson Bethke says, requires proximity, unplanned interactions and vulnerability.

Now, we've talked a bit about vulnerability, but what do you think about proximity and unplanned interactions?

I think this idea of proximity and unplanned interactions is the essence of friendship, because it's often happening around what you might call hang time.

Hang time, and the book talks about this.

It says, if you want to develop strong friendships, ask people to come out and hang out with you doing what you do.

Because there's probably other people who would be happy to hang with you.

And so clearly, when we don't have friends as we get older in life, we probably haven't invited people into our hang time.

Is that fair to say?

I think it probably is.

Hanging out with people around things you're interested in.

So, I'm interested in doing exercise in the garage.

I have been for ages.

So about three years ago, I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me, and I was training with Locke, I think, on the day.

And I felt like God said, you should open this up to some other guys who might like to hang out and do some exercise.

And so, very quickly, we had maybe ten people.

Can I ask, just, if you've ever been to my house, we call it House of Pain, if you've ever been to my house and trained, at least even once, could you raise your hand?

Look at that, that's cool.

Hello, guys.

Over here, too.

I don't know, I've never added it up, but there have to be about twenty people that have come around over the last three years.

And, you know, when you get men together and think of a Roma, well, that's a stinky peat, like, is actually true.

But it's okay, bit of sweat and smell.

One of the best things, memories I ever had was one of our, was actually Stephen on the leg press, and someone else is doing a bench press, and they're talking about something really close to home, like a heartfelt thing.

And they're doing it, and they're really struggling with this.

And there's the, I'm looking through them, and I can see Stephen on the leg press, and he's pushing, going, I went through that too.

It's just a lovely picture of doing exercise and sharing life.

And so, it's not always the case, but when we have dug in to community, it's been a really blessed time.

And there's nothing special about the garage other than a regular place to hang.

And for us, doing a bit of exercise is sort of an added bonus.

But we often will pray, we share about life, and as I say, not every week, but it builds rapport.

And I see those guys connect here.

What can you be doing with others that you currently do by yourself?

There can be an aroma of community that we can offer up to the Lord and ask him to bless.

Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.

The reward of friendship is truth in love.

We don't get it sometimes if it's not there.

The risk is vulnerability.

People have to know us.

The aroma is, as I described, a powerful thing.

And then the last thing is the gift of friendship.

That's iron sharpening iron so that one person sharpens another.

I think friendship in the Lord fueled by the Spirit and the grace of God is the gift.

It's the thing that we get that changes us.

It's so potent.

Second Peter chapter one verse says, chapter one verse three says, his divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life.

And it talks about all these aspects of life.

And, you know, we're to add to our faith, goodness.

And part of the aspects of godliness that we're told to refine and build into, in verse seven, to godliness, add mutual affection, and to mutual affection, love.

For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

That takes us back to the beginning of the sermon, doesn't it?

You can live your life being less effective than you could be.

But when we add to self-control and perseverance and knowledge and godliness, mutual affection, it's part of the package that helps us be efficient, like the Sharpened Axe, be effective.

What does mutual affection really mean?

Well, in Greek, it's Philadelphia.

So, let me just read to you this aspect of a life in community that's effective.

Has this aspect of Philadelphia refers to the...

I'm just going to read from my notes.

Refers to the love and affection shared among believers akin to the love between siblings.

It emphasizes a deep familial bond that transcends mere friendship, highlighting the unity and mutual care expected within the Christian community.

This term is used to describe the ideal relational dynamic among Christians, characterized by kindness, compassion, and support.

I find it fascinating that the second to last aspect of our lives that Peter says, make sure you do this.

The last one is love.

The second last one is brotherly kindness.

It's mutual affection or Philadelphia.

So, this gift of biblical, spiritual, kingdom of God, friendship, leads us to a deeper walk with Christ, which is full life.

And that's what this whole series in Proverbs has been about.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.

Knowledge rightly applied is wisdom.

Wisdom leads to full life.

How do you think we're going to rightly apply wisdom?

Well, that's what was happening when Stephen's on the leg press and someone else is on the bench press, and they're asking a question.

I mean, I'm looking around the room and seeing some of the faces and some great questions.

One of the great questions that was asked in the last two months is, guys, how do you pray with your wife?

How does it even work?

We want to get this right.

And there's ten guys in the room, and I didn't say from age 60 to age 22.

So there's this full gamut of friendship.

And so there's a blessing to use that hang time, to use that community to actually help do the application.

Knowledge rightly applied is wisdom, which leads to life.

So, the reward is of friendship.

You can discover truth in love.

The risk is you've got to be real and vulnerable.

That's a risk.

The aroma, all I can say is it reminds me of freshly baked bread in the morning at a bakery.

It's good.

It's just good.

No one on earth can say that it's not good.

Freshly baked bread is like, this is amazing.

And the pathway to full life is this iron sharpening iron.

Jesus invested in deep, robust, honest, fun, challenging iron sharpening iron friendships.

So let me ask you to finish.

How can you, this is not a word, but I made it up.

How can you kingdomify?

Your preferred hang.

How can you take your preferred hang and turn it into heart time?

Or turn it into a snippet of heaven time?

Or actually, what it truly is is by God's grace, turn your hang time into holy time.

Because it is.

It's ready for the Spirit to come and drench it and allow iron to sharpen iron, so one person sharpens another.

Could we stand together?

The band's going to come.

Can I ask you to raise your hand if you are at a point in life where you...

I'm not going to ask you to say anything or do anything, but I'd love to pray for you.

If you're at a point in your life where you're like, I'd love, it's so where I'm at, love to see my hang time changed into a holy time and to leave that to God.

Is anyone at that place that they particularly...

Yeah, we got a few hands.

Awesome.

Anyone else want to raise their hand?

Praise God.

Well, let's pray.

Lord, you see those hands and when I think of my garage, it's just a really simple, normal space.

And so I don't know where these brothers and sisters hang out, what they do for fun, but Lord, would you...

Holy Spirit, would you infuse your power into their situation?

Give them the insight they need to make the invitations to the right people, the catalytic people that would be potent for their situation.

I know, Lord, there are many more of us who didn't raise hands, but we just long for great friends.

And ideally, friends that would point us to Jesus, friends that would give us a chance to share our love of you, Lord, and friends that would create a space, maybe even around a fire at times, where we could chew over the hard stuff of life and work out what to do next.

Lord, I pray against the work of the evil one in the name of Jesus, who would work against all we just prayed.

We stand against his work that wants to isolate and to cause pain and to cause us to seek the deep stuff in places that are unhelpful, to seek what we long for, the full hearts, in places that are deformed community.

Lord, would you rescue those that are going down that path?

Would you help us as a church be a place where wonderful, godly friendships are birthed?

In Jesus' name.

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